


And it went Downhill From There

by rogersfalsetto



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Drinking, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-06 01:11:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16822129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogersfalsetto/pseuds/rogersfalsetto
Summary: John Richard Deacon. The bassist of Queen. Quiet or reserved? That's not the point. The point is that he just lost his best friend, the person he looked up to the most, Freddie Mercury, to an incurable disease. As you can image, it's very hard for him and the other members of the band... but just how hard is it hitting Deacy?





	1. How it all Started

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to have some mild and strong language in it so if you aren't comfortable with reading that then I would suggest not reading. I hope you enjoy!

"I've got it..." said Freddie Mercury, lead singer of Queen.

The boys, putting away their equipment, all freeze.

"Excuse me?" said Brian May, lead guitarist.

"Got what? Another cat? A-" Roger Taylor, the drummer, was cut off with one word.

"AIDs" said Freddie. "I have AIDs and I'm not sure how much time I have left."

All who was left to say anything was John Deacon, the bass player. Only he couldn't say anything. Hell he could hardly breathe. John's stomach was in knots and he was on the verge of throwing up.

They're all speechless. Tears start welling up in everyone's eyes.

Brian tries to break the silence. "Fred I..." but he can't say another word.

"Save it" says Freddie. "I don't want your pity. I just want to continue life as it is. Like I said, I don't know how much time I have left."

_Stop saying that,_ thought John, _This is just a joke... you're gonna be okay..._

John took a deep breath and said with a shaken voice, "y... you shouldn't joke about these things, Fred. It's a little... little too far... Don't you think?"

Only Freddie wasn't joking.

"What the _bloody hell_ is wrong with you John?! You _honestly_ think he's _f_ _ucking joking?!_ " barked Roger.

"I... I just thought..." John takes another deep breath. "All I am saying is that if it _is_ a joke, he should stop because this isn't something you should _fucking_ joke about!" John went to a calm speech to a thundering tone.

Roger started to make a retort towards John's statement. " _Why you little-_ "

" _ **Enough!**_ " Freddie yelled.

" This is why I was so scared to tell you! Not because I was dying, but because I knew a fight would break out! How sad is that?"

Freddie starts pacing around trying to think while the boys watch him.

Brian eventually speaks. "Everyone please just calm down."

"How do you expect us to calm down when our best _fucking_ friend is on the verge of _death?!_ " screamed Roger.

That's when John lost it. He dropped to his knees and just started sobbing. He cried harder than he ever cried before. 

_This isn't fucking happening_ , John thought over and over as he was in such a vulnerable state.

Freddie, Roger, and Brian all stare at John. They've never seen him like this before. They were all shocked.

Sure they've seen him cry before but not like this. Not full on sobbing. They didn't know what to do. The room was silent except for John's bawling.

Eventually he calmed down enough to be able to breath somewhat normally.

"Who...?"John said with a shaken tone.

"Who what darling?" Freddie asked in a soothing tone as he bent down and sat next to John.

"Wh...who gave it to you Fred...?" John said as he looked at Freddie.

Brian sighs and starts to speak. "John I know you're upset but I don't think that is an appropriate ques-"

" ** _It was Paul wasn't it?!_** " John's voice booms throughout the room.

"I'll fucking _kill_ that bloody bastard for what he's done!" John starts to shake as his head drops, his fists balled up so tight that his knuckles turn white.

"Deacy..." Freddie starts as he pulls John in so John's head is on Freddie's chest.

"Deacy I don't know who gave it to me. I know you guys aren't too fond of Paul but it could have been anyone."

Freddie is now starting to tear up and now his voice was starting to shake as well. "I love you all. I really do. I'm sorry I did this to you all." Freddie starts crying now. "I... I've always thought of you all as brothers to me... Especially you John..."

John, not looking up, starts bawling and clings to the chest of his best friend, staining Freddie's shirt with salty tears.

Once again the room is only filled with the sounds of crying.

"You idiot..." Roger blurts out through tears.

"You have no reason to apologize Freddie" Brian says as he tries to maintain composure.

Freddie, still holding John with one arm, extends his free arm, inviting Roger and Brian to join them in a hug.

Roger runs over, drops down, and buries his face in the other half of Freddie's chest and starts sobbing, while Brian calmly walks over and sits down and wraps his long arms around everyone.

All four of the boys have broken into sobs.

And that's how it all started.


	2. No feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to make this story an outlet for me to vent and such so I have changed the tags in case of potential triggering subjects in the future. With that said, this chapter involves self harm and suicidal thoughts. Please be cautious when reading as I don't want anyone who has ptsd or anything of the sort to read if they are not comfortable. If you struggle with these I encourage and beg you to please seek professional help and that YOU ARE LOVED!! I love you all!!

"He's gone, John."

That's the last thing John wanted to hear.

"What do you mean he's gone, Brian?!" John yelled in a panicked tone to his friend, Brian, over the phone.

Brian starts to speak "I mean he's de-"

" ** _Don't you fucking dare finish that goddamn word!_** _Don't you **dare** fucking lie to me!_" John screamed, interrupting Brian.

"John! Why would I lie about this?!" Brian's voice starts to shake.

"He's dead John. About an hour ago. Roger told me."

John could hear Brian starting to weep over the phone.

"So I'm... the last to know?" Said John softly.

"No" said Brian. "His family has yet to be told the news. We're still trying to figure out how to tell them. It's not easy knowing you have to tell someone their son died..." Brian said through gentle tears.

All was quiet for about 10 seconds.

John said in a dead serious tone "I'm on my way over."

"I'll wait for you outside his house" Brian said as he took a deep breath.

After he hung up the phone, John got out of bed and went straight into the shower.

Usually he turns the radio on but today John wasn't in the mood for that. He just wanted this day to be over already. Hell he wanted everything to be over.

He couldn't see a life without his best friend, who he considered a brother, Freddie Mercury.

"I wish I had died in his place" John said aloud while sighing. After realizing what just came out of his lips, John cupped a hand over his mouth and started to tear up. 

_I can't believe I said that,_ John thought. 

"Veronica and the kids are out so it's okay. No one heard me" John said as stepping into the shower.

The water was scalding hot but he didn't mind. He liked the hot water even though he looked red as can be when he gets out.

John steps under the water, head hanging, staring down at his feet. He wiggles his toes as the hot water sprays on his scalp and rolls down his back.

He felt choked up but for some reason John couldn't cry. 

_Why am I not crying? Why do I feel unaffected?,_ thought John.

These thoughts kept echoing in John's mind. They kept echoing and echoing and he was starting to get dizzy until,

" _ **Why don't I feel anything!**_ " John voice echoed as he punched the wall of the shower.

The punch wasn't strong enough to cause any damage to his hand, nor the wall, but it still hurt like a bitch.

At least that's what you would think.

However John didn't even wince.

He lifted his head, looking around the shelves in the shower filled with various soaps and shampoos.

His eyes become fixed on his shaving supplies.

Especially the razor. He couldn't. Stop. Staring. 

_If I just... Maybe it could help me to feel something_.

John reached out towards the razor.

After his shower John went straight to his room to get dressed.

That shower that seemed to have lasted forever was only 10 minutes. 

He went to his closet and just put something simple on.

A long sleeved black shirt, a light jacket that was dark brown in color, a pair of jeans, and some white ankle socks.

The fabric of his shirt stings against his shoulder, but somehow he felt better? John was confused by this but he didn't care. His best friend just died and that's all he cared about.

After he got dressed he made his way downstairs to the kitchen. He whipped out a piece of paper and a pen from a drawer and began writing. 

_Dear Veronica,_

_My love, an emergency came up and I had to head out._

_I will call before I leave to come home._

_It will most likely be this evening, so if I am not home by dinner time, please eat without me._

_Tell the children I love them._

_I love you so much, my dear_

_-John_


	3. Why is this Happening?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the formatting to make it a little easier to read so if you've been reading the story from the first chapter I changed it up to make it easier to read. This story is a spin and not all of wheat happens here has happened in real life (I assume). I don't actually know what it was like when Freddie really died. I would also remind you all to talk to someone if you are struggling with depression, self harm, stuff like that. Things WILL get better and you ARE loved! <3

"I can't believe he's dead" whispered John.

He was on his way to Freddie's house. The drive there felt so long but in reality it didn't take as long as John thought.

As he arrived at Freddie's house he saw Brian sitting on the porch, waiting for him.

Brian, who had his head resting in his palm, lifted his head up and waved to John.

John waved back from the inside of his car, not sure if Brian saw his small wave.

He rolled down the window and yelled to Brian, "I'll be out in a second."

"Alright take your time. I'll wait here" Brian replied.

John leaned back in his seat and sighed loudly, rubbing his hands on his face.

He took a few deep, shaky breaths. He felt like anxiety had consumed him. He looked down at his trembling hands.

"I need to go out there. I need to. I can't just sit here" John said to himself.

"These things happen. I know this. So why am I so scared?"

Suddenly his left shoulder started to feel itchy. He tried to scratch t but winced once he slightly touched it. " _Ah fuck!_ I guess I'll have to try to ignore that." 

John unbuckled his seat belt and opened the car door, stepping out. 

As he started to walk towards the house, Brian stood up and made his way towards John.

John's chest felt tight and he felt as if he could hardly breathe. His steps started to slow down the closer he got to the house.

"Hey buddy" Brian said as he put a hand on John's left shoulder.

" _Ow!_ Shit" John said in pain. _Crap he's gonna know something's up,_ John thought to himself.

"Are you okay? I didn't mean to hurt you" said Brian in a concerned tone.

John just stayed silent and lowered his head. He started to tear up.

Brian was confused about why his friend's shoulder was so sensitive even though he only barely laid a hand on John's shoulder. He thought he was being gentle, but he was more concerned about John in general.

"John I-" Brian was cut off by his friend collapsing into his arm and sobbing.

"Why, Brian... Why did he have to go?" John's body weight became heavy.

Brian, holding John tight, slowly dropped to the ground with John in his arms. John squeezed Brian tightly, the harder he cried. Brian started to tremble and tear up.

"I don't know, Deacy. I...I don't know..." Brian started to cry. "I wish I knew..."

Roger was watching from the window. He didn't want to go outside at first, but seeing his best friends, at least all he had left of his best friends, break down the way they just did, he knew he had to.

He got up from where he was sitting and walked to the front door.

Roger sighed as he opened the door and stepped outside.

"You couldn't invite me to join the crying get-together?" Roger said as he approached Brian and John.

"Really, Rog? You're going to do this now?" Brian snapped.

Roger sighed and responded to Brian . "Look I'm sorry. I just wanted to try and get a laugh out of you guys. I can't stand seeing you guys cry because it makes me cry." 

He was right. Seeing Brian and John like this made him tear up.

John takes a deep breath and sits up. "I'm sorry. I'm so selfish for crying. I don't know what's gotten into me" John said a he sniffled and rubbed his eyes.

"Hey it's okay. You have every reason to cry" Roger replied.

John started to tear up as he dropped his head. He clenched his fists and started shaking.

Brian looked over to him and asked "what's wrong john?"

Without lifting his head, John replied "I wish this never happened... I wish he was still here..."

Brian started to speak before John Interrupted him. "John I-" 

" _I wish I was dead!_ "


	4. I Can't Look

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry it took so long. I wasn't really feeling inspired and I couldn't come up with ideas as I was dealing with some stress that just blocked everything. I didn't mean to take a tiny hiatus but it all just happened so randomly. I wasn't too happy with how chapter 3 came out as that was forced out and I didn't want to do that again with the next chapter. I finally have some motivation to write again so hopefully this chapter will be better than chapter 3.   
>  Please remember that if you're struggling with depression or self harm or anything to please seek help and that you are loved.
> 
> Also I refer to Jim as Freddie's husband. I know they weren't really married but still.

"John! You shouldn't say such things!" Brian's voice shot through John's ears.

John curled up in a trembling ball on the lawn, bawling his poor eyes out.

_I don't want to live anymore... Not without Freddie..._ Jon thought to himself.

Roger walked up to John and pick him up. "C'mon mate. Stand up" Roger said softly as he pulled John in for a hug.

Once on his feet, John hugged Roger so tight that he almost lifted the drummer off the ground.

"I'm sorry guys. I... I don't mean to behave like this, especially now." John said as he attempted to calm himself.

Brian patted John's back "it's okay. We understand. Hell, I've been fighting tears since Roger called me."

John let go of his embrace on Roger and then put his had on his left shoulder.

"I think we should head in and figure out what to do next" expressed Roger.

Roger holds the door open for John and Brian, them follows them inside, shutting the door softly.

"John!" a familiar voice shouted from the room next to the entrance of the house.

It was Jim Hutton, Freddie's husband.

"Hey Jim" John said as he rubbed his eyes. "I'm sorry about-"

His words were cut off by a tight bear hug from Jim.

"Don't apologize, please. It's okay. These things happen, as sad as it is" Jim said with a shaken voice.

John hugged Jim back.

"Follow me" Jim said as he broke away from his hug with John.

"W...where are we going?" John said as he followed Jim, Brian, and Roger up the staircase.

No one answered his question.

As they made their way up the stairs that felt like they were thousands of steps long, John climbed slower as he realized where they were going.

_no no no no! Don't take me there! Please anywhere but Freddie's room!_ John thought as he felt his heart climb up into his throat.

As they reached the top of the stairs, they approached Freddie and Jim's room. 

First Jim, then Brian, then Roger disappeared in the room while John stood in the doorway.

"You coming, Deacy?" Roger asked

"I..." John paused before continuing "no..."

"I can't bare to see him like that"


End file.
